Moderation is something I lack, I’m very much an all or nothing kind of person. So, with booze ‘Just One’ didn’t exist in my vocabulary, there was no moderation or stopcock. I’d come to believe alcohol was vital for having a good time, relaxing, and even for addressing bouts of anxiety. This became very much apparent during my drinking struggles. I could never comprehend how people could leave a drink unfinished – what a waste. I can remember finishing peoples drinks for them rather than it be ‘wasted’; it ended up with me being wasted not the drink. What was the point stopping at one drink?
When my husband realised that my drinking was becoming, and had become a daily habit he started commenting, rightly so. His comments and questioning resulted in my poisoned brain deciding that I’d be better finishing the bottle before he came home then he’d never know and I’d get away with it; denying and lying that I had been drinking, defending the indefensible. The progressive, self-defeating, destructive condition led from finishing one bottle to ad infinitum.
Before I entered rehab I used to suffer from a huge amount of internal conflict about drinking. I wanted to be drinking less, yet whenever I turned down a drink I felt deprived, easily persuaded to have ‘Just One’, (yeah right!). In order to hide my drinking from the outside world I drank at home, isolated and lonely. Here the physical and emotional cycle commenced. Before long I was hiding and disposing empty bottles.