I went to a party last Saturday evening. ‘So what’! you are possibly thinking. The thing is that when I came out of rehab parties would fill me with terror – my mind full of apprehension. I was scared! Scared that those voices in my head would start up again, “go on just one”, “one won’t hurt” etc., when I knew that actually the first sip is the dangerous one. Terrified to go back to the hell hole I had worked so hard to get out of, plunging not only myself but my family back into that serpents pit.
When I was drinking I thought about drinking a lot: When can I have drink? What should I drink? How much is too much? What did I drink last night? What did I say last night? Why do I feel so bad this morning?
As my drinking really escalated out of control I would drink before I went to a party, often paralytic before I arrived. Initially, I was the fun girl that made people laugh. Gradually over time I became a liability and an embarrassment; falling over, speaking rudely to family and friends, causing arguments, and injuries to myself. The evening, that should have been enjoyable, would end in black out followed by the 3 S’s – sickness, shits, and sorrow. Or sometimes worse – visits to a & e.
As with most people the escalation was very gradual spanning years and months, alcohol is very patient. I was in complete denial that drinking was responsible for my Jekyll and Hyde personality. I convinced myself that my Hyde was the combination of working full time and family life telling myself I ‘deserved a drink’ and ‘that all my friends did so why shouldn’t I’? My moods increasingly unpredictable.
So the fact that I now go to parties without apprehension is wonderful; knowing that I’ll go home to bed with a clear mind and conscience and not waking up with the 3 S’s!
Let’s normalise NOT drinking!
