I went to a party last Saturday evening.  ‘So what’! you are possibly thinking.  The thing is that when I came out of rehab parties would fill me with terror – my mind full of apprehension.  I was scared!  Scared that those voices in my head would start up again, “go on just one”, “one won’t hurt” etc.,  when I knew that actually the first sip is the dangerous one.   Terrified to go back to the hell hole I had worked so hard to get out of, plunging not only myself but my family back into that serpents pit.

When I was drinking I thought about drinking a lot: When can I have drink? What should I drink? How much is too much? What did I drink last night? What did I say last night? Why do I feel so bad this morning?

As my drinking really escalated out of control I would drink before I went to a party, often paralytic before I arrived.  Initially, I was the fun girl that made people laugh. Gradually over time I became a liability and an embarrassment;  falling over, speaking rudely to family and friends, causing arguments, and injuries to myself.  The evening, that should have been enjoyable, would end in black out followed by the 3 S’s – sickness, shits, and sorrow.  Or sometimes worse – visits to a & e.

As with most people the escalation was very gradual spanning years and months, alcohol is very patient.  I was in complete denial that drinking was responsible for my Jekyll and Hyde personality.  I convinced myself that my Hyde was the combination of working full time and family life telling myself I ‘deserved a drink’ and ‘that all my friends did so why shouldn’t I’?  My moods increasingly unpredictable.

So the fact that I now go to parties without apprehension is wonderful;  knowing that I’ll go home to bed with a clear mind and conscience and not waking up with the 3 S’s!

Let’s normalise NOT drinking!

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